It’s Halloween. I just took off my costume for the night. I’ve been drinking wine. My dog is licking her butthole. I’m crying.
I was supposed to go to this party, put on by one of my only friends. She loves making themed decorative stuff, so she had spent weeks planning the decorations and treats. I was supposed to go with my boyfriend, who I thought was perfect for me, but he dumped me exactly seven days ago in a crowded restaurant.
I was still going to go to the party alone, because I love dressing up for themes, and I love wearing costumes. But, just a day ago, my party-throwing friend informed me that one of my ex-boyfriends would be attending the party. Wouldn’t be a terrible deal, except that this guy has been a terrible drug addict for the majority of his life, and also stalked me for years, across multiple states…
So I cancelled my plans and stayed at home to pass out candy to trick-or-treaters with my mom. I love my mom so much. She is a very patient soul, and the only human being who has always shown me love I could see.
Oh, I also live with my parents. I am 27, unemployed, and live with my parents. I would try to justify why, and explain the past ten years of my life that have added up to why I am in this state, but it doesn’t really matter, because right now, what matters is that I have the horrendously low self-esteem and morale of an unsuccessful 27-year-old American person who is living with their retired parents.
So the former boyfriend I was recently just dumped by: I can’t, with any rash judgement, even begin to go into that issue, because of the context of this blog, as it is. We should just assume I must be a horrible, negative person, right? To dedicate a written catalogue solely to the negative things I experience? But where I am right now, is, how did I just waste seven months thinking I was in a truly loving relationship, when in reality I was being hardcore judged the entire time for all the less-than-desirable aspects of my current lifestyle?
It’s my own fault, for more reasons than any human being could even guess. But probably not for the reasons any human being actually WOULD guess…
So, here I am, alone in my room, wondering when I will be able to become useful in society. Wondering how exactly people become successful. Wondering what I lack, that everyone else seems to know, or understand, or practice. Wondering why it is that I just don’t get along with most people. Wondering why it is that people “fall in love” with me when they meet me, but then decide later on that I’m the scum of the Earth. I truly just don’t understand what I have done so wrong in my life. I try so hard to be a good person… whatever that even means.
I haven’t talked about depression yet, but I will someday. It’s a hard topic to put into words, to quantize, to translate into a relatable language. Sometimes words aren’t enough.
This is a photo I took this past summer in Hawaii during a family trip.
problemtheory 